The running order for your wedding evening is usually written by people with a working day of their own to finish, and sometimes their needs win without anyone saying so. The first dance is where it shows most. Before you agree to any timing, it's worth asking a simple question: who is this time for?
You've probably spent months on the running order for your wedding. The ceremony time, the drinks reception, the wedding breakfast, the speeches, the cake, the first dance, the evening guests arriving. Every slot has been talked through, and by the time it's printed it feels settled.
Each of those times was chosen by someone, though, and not always with you in mind.
Most of a wedding day is planned by people who have a working day of their own to get through: a kitchen that needs the room cleared, staff who need the tables turned round, suppliers who are booked until a certain point and then head home. Almost all of them are good at what they do and want your day to go well. But when their needs and yours pull in different directions, the timing that ends up on the sheet usually favours them, and you're rarely told that a choice was made.
The first dance that came 15 minutes after the speeches
At one wedding I played, the meal finished, the speeches followed straight on, and the couple were persuaded by the people running the day to do their first dance less than 15 minutes after the last speech ended.
In my opinion that was done to meet their needs rather than the couple's.
Think about what a run like that means from the guests' side. When the speeches follow straight on from the meal, people have been in their seats for a long stretch. There's been no gap to stretch their legs, refill a drink, find the loo or catch up with anyone they weren't sat next to, and evening guests who've only just arrived have had no time to settle in. Fifteen minutes later, they're asked to gather round the dance floor and watch.
It isn't a one-off. I've seen versions of it at a lot of weddings, and three of them come up again and again:
- The photographer who wants to go home. Plenty of suppliers are booked until the first dance and leave soon afterwards. Some of them will badger a couple to do the first dance early, and to the original schedule, regardless of whether that might negatively impact the rest of the night.
- The room that runs like a factory. Some venues run every wedding the same way, from the same template they always use, and couples are all but told how their day will go because that's what makes the room easiest to manage. Others are wonderfully accommodating and want the day to feel like the couple's own. From the outside, before you've booked, the two can look much the same.
- The one who has always done it this way. Some of the people who run the formal side of a wedding have a version they do every time, and they'd rather your day fitted it than change it to fit you.
Plenty of people in each of those jobs put the couple first. But a couple planning their first wedding has no way of knowing which kind they've got, so they usually say yes.
What happens when the first dance comes too early
Guests are polite. When you walk onto the floor for your first dance, they'll come and stand round the edge to watch, even if they're not ready to dance yet. That's the part you'll see.
What you might not see is the next ten minutes. If the room isn't in the mood, the circle around the floor drifts away as soon as your song ends. Some guests head to the bar, some sit back down, some go outside. The DJ is then trying to build a party in a room that's been asked to start before it was ready, and that's much harder than letting it arrive on its own.
A rough guide from the weddings I've played: if the main course went out after six o'clock, a first dance at half past seven is very often too early. The day guests haven't digested their food, the evening guests may only just have arrived, and plenty of people need a drink inside them before they'll dance. Every crowd is different, and some are on the floor at the first chance they get. But you might be surprised how many first dances I've seen happen at nine or ten o'clock, or even later, and still lead to a fantastic night.
Plan the evening around your guests, not the clock
When a running order is written, it's usually built on logic: this happens, then this, then this. Weddings run on emotion, and emotion affects how long everything takes. The meal has to go out on time, because the food won't wait. After that, ask yourself which matters more to you: that the evening runs to the schedule, or that everyone is having a great time.
The best weddings often run late on almost every timing from the speeches onwards, because everyone is relaxed and enjoying themselves rather than watching the clock.
It also helps to be realistic about your crowd. Think back to family parties and other weddings. Are your families ravers who'll dance for four hours, or are they more likely to give you a short, frenzied two hours on the floor? If it's the second, a later first dance leaves the dancing shorter and fuller, which is far better than a long one that slowly empties.
And remember that the party follows the two of you. If you spend the evening on the dance floor, that's where the party will be. If you're outside, or at the bar, the party will be there too.
Questions to ask before you agree to any timing
You don't need to argue with anyone. You just need to know whose needs each time is serving. A few questions make that clear:
- Who is this time for? Ask it about every slot from the speeches onwards. If the answer is "so the room can be turned round" or "so the team can finish", you can decide whether that's a trade you're happy to make.
- How late is each supplier booked? If the photographer you want at the first dance is booked until eight, the first dance will drift towards eight. Booking them until nine gives you room to wait until the guests are ready.
- Is there a gap between the speeches and the first dance? Your guests need time to move, refill and mix, especially the ones arriving for the evening.
Plan with the end in mind
How your guests remember the night depends heavily on how it ends, which I've written about in more detail in the peak-end effect. A night that builds to a packed floor at midnight, with everyone asking for one more song, is the wedding people talk about for years. A night that peaked at nine and slowly emptied is remembered differently, even if the first few hours were brilliant.
The running order is where that ending is won or lost, long before the day. So when you're handed one, read it as a set of choices, and make sure the ones that matter were made for you.
If you'd like a second pair of eyes on yours, get in touch and tell me a little about your day. What time is your first dance planned for at the moment?